I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
