I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
