I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
