he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
