I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
