So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
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He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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