I can tuck mytits in my pants
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
