When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
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I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
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And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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