TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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