The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
