I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
