I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
