Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
