Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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