I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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