my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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