i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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