you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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