My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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