then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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