My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
