im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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