I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
