Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
