ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
