My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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