never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
