I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
