there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
