I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Dick very happy bro
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
