"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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