I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
