Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
