On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
