just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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