I cannot find my penis.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
