Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
