So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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