I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
