I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
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While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass