Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids