Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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