I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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