my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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