you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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