Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
