he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
