At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
