it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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