How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
