Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(301): View more from Maryland

My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(816): View more from Missouri

He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection

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(954): View more from Florida

Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.

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