90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
