It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
