I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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