Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
