don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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