Already got asked if we're dating
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
