I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
