we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
