i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
