So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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