i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
