If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
