I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
