sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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