If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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